I read this amazing book in one day. Titled "Precious" or "Push" by Sapphire, it was probably the most gut-wrenching thing I have ever read. Far worse than a gang rape of the different-ethnic-group boy in Afghanistan (ala Kite Runner) because it happened here in these United States, in my time, the late 80's. I don't have the words, just a warning: be prepared to cry, be disgusted, and to be so angry you cannot see straight if you take on the challenge of reading it. But it is ultimately a message of hope. Oh, and don't read it if you can't take swearing like a motherfucker, (of course, if you can't do that, why read my blog)?!
But the book really got me thinking about self control. Because Precious' parents had none. I mean NONE. No self control, no superego reining in the id, no self-aware sense of 'maybe I shouldn't do that,' basically no shame about the horrific things they had done. And then I had to think that the shame and self control really do go hand in hand.
Most people I know and are closest to have good self control up to a point, and then they have areas where it is not so good. I include myself in this group, although I have been less self-controlled in the past (*cough* swearing like a sailor for one thing), I am better than I was.
But if you perceive no shame with a particular action, you just don't have enough motivation to control the impulse to do that thing. Some people only experience shame when they get caught. Then, and only then, do they make the effort to control themselves and inhibit or modify the action that got them in trouble. Others feel shame at the slightest provocation, and go through quite a superhuman effort to squelch any hint of impropriety. There are a few (enlightened souls) who master their destructive impulses for the pure, logical benefit of themselves without being goaded by a sense of shame.
I have a hard time relating to people who are at either extreme of the spectrum. Honestly, how can you not be pathologically ashamed of yourself when you commit a really grotesque act? For example, I was reading a Newsweek blurb about a guy who recently was released from prison, his crime was for gunning down a chaperone who dared to tell him 'please leave my house' when he was roughhousing in it. How could you NOT be crippled by shame and remorse at this act? So stupid and senseless!
Neither do I relate well to those who have such an abundance of self control, who eat perfectly healthy foods all the time, exercise every day, volunteer, never say a bad word or gossip, get all their work done on time, keep a clean house, etc. They freak me out! How does someone have that MUCH self-control?!? Do they have that much self-awareness or self-imposed shame or are they truly one of those enlightened souls? I'm thinking of the Dalai Lama, here.
Maybe we have more self control about the things that are not too difficult to manage. Like, drinking alcohol, for me, is not something I lose control over. I can easily have one or none and stop. Sure, I would feel shame if I got too drunk , but that really isn't what stops me from overindulging. I haven't taken any drugs that might lead to indulgence issues, but what stops me there is a different reason entirely, more like a personal moral that I hold inviolate for myself, and has to do with the uncle I lost when I was young.
But how is it that I have so little self control when it comes to foods, particularly the non-nutritive ones? Its not like I don't feel shame if Ihave eaten too much. Not like I don't feel shame every time my pants are too tight or (God forbid!) I have to buy a larger size. And yet that shame is offset by the pleasure of the act. It doesn't matter how many times I am 'caught', I cannot seem to impose even moderation on myself. Maybe if there were more of a one-to-one correlation with eating and consequences, I could do it. But metabolism can be a tricky wild card. I can eat poorly for three days and not gain an ounce. Or I can eat really well for a week and not lose an ounce. For me, it is not clear what the magic formula is other than hunger. The more hours in a day I experience hunger the more weight I lose. But who can live that hungry?!?
Baked goods are my area of no control too. I can even think to myself that I'm going to feel awful after I eat something, and then I eat it anyway. I have a reasonable amount of control in other areas of my life, why not this one? If you ever figure it out, let me know!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I can think of a really good plan that makes complete sense, but then I am unable to make myself do it. For example, after each Pennsic (where we all dress up in costume for 2 weeks in the woods), I decide that I will sew one outfit per month until the next Pennsic. If I did that, I would have a dozen new outfits, I wouldn't have to do so much last minute work during "sewing season" and we wouldn't have to spend so much money on Pennsic clothes all at once. I've been going to Pennsic since 2003 and I've never once carried through with this plan.
Well... as far as a clean house goes, when I am nervous, I clean. When I feel stress, or not in control, I clean. Often I will clean when I should be addressing whatever it is that is causing me trouble. Sometimes I feel guilty about doing it too. So maybe my clean house is a sign that I have plenty of time and am in control and getting everything done... or it could be a sing that I have some problem and am procrastinating by cleaning!
ReplyDeleteMy food weakness is cereal. I eat it when Tim isn't looking so I know I feel shame about it. I try not to do it in front of Abby either.
Rebecca one thing you said really struck a note with me, and that was about the correlation between eating and consequences and metabolism all being tricky to figure out. And also our tendency to behave if we think we might get caught. Both of those things really reminded me of our experience with the WII fit.
Frankly, the exercises it offers are not very strenuous, but the feedback you get from weighing in every morning has two benefits. Sometimes during the day I will hesitate before eating something, realizing that it could be revealed in the morning. Every day your weight is immortalized on a chart too, like having someone watching.
But the other thing, and more interesting is that you can get that illusive feedback from this process. Tim and I have been very surprised at some things. For example, when we eat at Panera, we each gain almost 2 pounds, almost every time. That was a surprise! And when we eat nachos after 10 PM (when they taste their best!) we usually see that the next morning. We have started to have a feel for the consequences of our eating habits, much more so than ever did before.
I too marvel at how unremorseful some people can be. Are you going to see the movie Precious? I hadn't heard of it before. It looks heartbreaking.
Jo, That is fascinating about the Wii fit. I'd not considered the daily weigh in and the effect of the previous night's meal, but if you see a correlation that keeps you in check, that is a real plus! But you see what I mean from before you had the wii, don't you? Its not as obvious, and we have all struggled with it.
ReplyDeleteMegan, I love the sewing plan, but it is really hard to have a goal that you only check in on once a month. If you had a plan where you were going to sew (or cut fabric) or even just read directions for ten or minutes a day, even if you only could do it 20 days out of 30, you would be well on your way to outfits for Pennsic. And, eating is the same way - we can't just check in at the end of the month and say, oh oops. Its the daily accounting that goes farther. However, i know it is incredibly hard to carve out time for yourself right now, so it may not be a realistic goal. I love the idea of Pennsic though, and have read your blog about it - way cool!
As for Precious, just seeing the trailer, I can tell that they changed a LOT from the book, but the storyline may be essentially the same, and the message is the same. Plus I love! the actress, saw a youtube interview with her. So I may see it, because ultimately it is about hope and bettering yourself and getting some control in your life.
Yes I know exactly what you mean! Even with the WII we still wonder why our bodies do what they do. It is so hard to relate how we feel physically to what we have been doing, and that seems to change over time. For example, I have been having daily headaches which I couldn't figure out, but went off beer as a test, and they are gone. I seem to have developed a problem with the hoppy beer that wasn't there before.
ReplyDeleteYou and Megan talking about longer term goals has got me thinking, how will I carve out an afternoon to wash and wax the cars? A once or twice a year goal just isn't working to motivate me, because I haven't done it in years. Maybe once they come in for the winter I can wax them in one foot sections every day.
Habit seems to be an important factor too, for getting things done. Heaven knows blogging has become a very robust habit for me! And Farmville, but that has immediate rewards. Is that why video games are so addictive?
Precious sounds great. I am going to try to see it.